If Operating Systems were beer
 
DOS Beer:
 
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can.
Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can.
However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of
people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
 
Mac Beer:
 
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
by many to be a "light" beer. All the
cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you
call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to
know." A notice on the side reminds you to
drag your empties to the trashcan.
 
Windows 3.1 Beer:
 
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer's. Requires that you already own a
DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a
few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows
Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for
apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
 
OS/2 Beer:
 
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows
3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans
won't explode when you open them,
even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer,
but the manufacturer (International
Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
 
Windows 95 Beer:
 
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim
it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac
Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans,
but when you look inside, the cans
only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking
Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try
Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at
the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that
this is an entirely new brew.
 
Windows NT Beer:
 
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy
bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to
look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping.
Touted as an "industrial strength" beer,
and suggested only for use in bars.
 
Unix Beer:
 
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand
loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost
identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off
when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around
for those occasions, in which case
you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
 
AmigaDOS Beer:
 
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so
now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well
because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
loyal and loud group. It originally
came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was
originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so
it appears dated now. Critics of this beer
claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
 
VMS Beer:
 
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on
occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk
in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
you're told that is proprietary and referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that
this was once listed in the Physicians'
Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen
it.